Having hit one of the worse phases emotionally in so many years, I slowly feel my soul losing faith in people i’ve worked tirelessly to please all my life. How stupid have i been all this while! Oh, the wishes i have buried deep inside, the dreams i have deleted from memory even before they took complete shape, only because i was afraid it may not be good enough to please them. You know, I never thought of the things as sacrifices but merely as steps that would make me more visible and important in their lives, only to find out my good wasn’t just good enough. It isn’t now and it never was.
I am just so tired of arguing all the time. There has never been a thing i have truly desired and received with a smile. It’s like i have to earn my happiness by justifying why i am worth it. For the past week I’ve been walking amongst strangers trying to find solace. There’ a fake smile plastered on my face, but inside i’ve just been breaking down, little by little inside each day.
Finally I throw my hat in the ring today. Giving up. That’s it. No more of this trying to be the perfect someone for somebody. If people like perfect, they should try and fix themselves up first. From this moment, i have decided to think only of myself first. No family, no parents, no siblings, no society, no friends, nothing. MYSELF. The rest can go take a hike. Done with listening to bullshit from people who don’t matter, yet seem to control situations around me.
My heart may have broken but the soul is still intact. I will rise again, only this time it will be only for myself.